today, out of all day, felt so much like that day from two years ago. i hated just having the thoughts of it. but the more i try not to, the more it felt like i was back in that day. i got better at concealing it now, as compared to back then. but then again it is still as hard. my heart hurts. so much to the point i hate myself. it feels like there's this big lump in my throat, my chest felt so heavy. i dreaded the thought of being alive. everything just seems so hard, and are not making any sense for me. i so badly wanted to cry but i cant. its like a part of me are just there telling me that i am way better than that, stronger than i think, and i cannot lose this battle against myself. and then there's this other part of me that wanted to crumble down and just cry my hearts out. i wanted the world to know that im sad and i cant take this anymore. im tired of fighting this losing battle. i hated my life.